Scorpion Key
by The Scorpion
Summary: Twistedly Phantomized parodies of Lewis Carroll’s classic poems. Some serious, some humorous. If Carroll turned busy bees into crocodiles, I can turn a Walrus and a Carpenter into the creatures of Lake Averne!
1. Scorpion Key

Don't ask me, I can't explain why I did it. The format, scheme, meter, pattern, and everything in this poem are straight from Lewis Carroll's. All I did was change most of the words. I get the weirdest random ideas sometimes... But either way, enjoy and please let me know what you think :)

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Scorpion Key

'Twas chilly in the cellar air,  
Black casket wood reflected firelight.  
He stood expecting her to act,  
And cold dread gripped her at the sight.

"Beware the Grasshopper, my dear!  
For it hops, and oh how high!  
The Scorpion is the key, if in  
Our grave you wish us not to lie!" 

She took the Scorpion in hand:  
Long time her trembling nerve she sought--  
Then switched her grasp to the Grasshopper,  
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in thoughts of death she stood,  
Her dark angel, with eyes of flame,  
Came storming to the mantle wood,  
And losing patience as he came!

Oh, which! Oh, which! To turn which switch?  
And be buried alive both ways!  
She took a breath, chose living death  
And met his burning gaze.

"And, have you turned the Scorpion?  
Come to my arms, forget your boy!  
O living wife! My love! My life!"  
He shed tears in his joy.  
  
'Twas chilly in the cellar air,  
Black casket wood reflected firelight.  
He stood expecting her to act,  
And cold dread gripped her at the sight.

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	2. The Siren and the Giant Squid

Now, as the last poem was a parody of Lewis Carrol's "Jabberwocky," I considered it appropriate to add this parody of his **"The Walrus and the Carpenter"** as a second chapter instead of creating a new upload. This poem is completely unrelated to the previous one, though. And if you're wondering why on earth I would write about there being a siren and a giant squid living in Erik's lake… well it goes back to the Morbidity Writing Contests I hosted on the phantomfans message boards. There was a very long running joke there about a giant squid living in Lake Averne, shipwrecking and eating (and doing various other things to) those that dared to cross its waters, and so I wrote this poem as an idea if the squid teamed up with the Siren (based on the common spin-off idea that the Siren isn't Erik himself and is actually some kind of mythological Siren). If you keep your eyes open or check out the contest websites I have linked, you will absolutely find a handful of other giant-squid-in-Erik's-lake phics floating about, and I highly recommend each and every one of them! Just keep in mind that this is entirely meant to be silly fun that was designed purely to amuse the Morbidity Contest participants! Hope you enjoy!

--The Scorpion, aka the Siren of Averne

* * *

**The Siren and The Giant Squid**

The fog was wafting on the lake,  
Billowing with all its strength:  
It did its very best to make  
The caverns dark and dank--  
And this was right, because it was  
The Phantom's lakeside bank.

The light was shining eerily,  
Rather dim and blue.  
Because in caves below the earth  
That's what eerie blue lights do--  
And with that light, the fog, and lake  
The ambiance just grew.

The lake was dark as dark could be,  
The stones were slick with mold.  
You could even see you breath, because  
The air was just that cold:  
No one dared to come down there--  
There was no one so bold.

The Siren and the Giant Squid  
Were floating there that night;  
They wept like anything to see  
No meal for them in sight:  
"If there were only a Mary Sue,"  
They said, "we'd seize with all our might!"

"If seven maids or seven waifs  
Found their way down here.  
Do you suppose," the Siren said,  
"That we'd be filled up for a year?"  
"I doubt it," said the Giant Squid,  
And shed a bitter tear.

"Oh! Boaters! Come and swim with us!"  
The Siren did beseech.  
"A pleasant dip, a pleasant trip,  
Beyond the murky beach:  
We cannot do with more than twelve,  
To give a hand to each."

The wise Erik looked at her,  
But never a word he said:  
The knowing Phantom blinked his eyes,  
And shook his mask-ed head--  
Meaning to say he did not choose  
To join the early-dead.

But the fair young Maid dived right in,  
Quite eager for a try:  
Her hair was blonde, her eyes were blue,  
Her clothes were flung aside--  
And this was odd, because, you know,  
Christine was always shy.

The surprised Phantom followed her,  
Despite her discarded gown;  
But the Squid had snared them both  
And dragged them deeply down--  
All splashing through the murky lake,  
With no fear that they might drown.

The Siren and the Giant Squid  
Swam down a league or so,  
And then they rested on a rock  
Conveniently low:  
And both the Phantom and the Maid  
Requested they be let go.

"The time has come," the Siren sang,  
"To sing of many things:  
Of rocks--and ships--and lightning-storms--  
Of dead princes--and kings--  
And why we are not _in the sea_--  
And whether squids have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Maiden cried,  
"Before we have our chat;  
For I for one am out of breath,  
And you have squeezed us flat!"  
"No hurry!" said the Giant Squid.  
They thanked him much for that.

"A beaky maw," the Siren said,  
"Is what Squids chiefly need:  
A knife and fork are what I use  
And very good indeed--  
Now if you're ready, Maiden dear,  
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Phantom cried,  
Turning a little blue.  
"After such a song, that would be  
A morbid thing to do!"  
"The night is fine," the Siren said.  
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!  
And you are very sweet!"  
The Giant Squid said nothing but  
"Chomp off a bit more meat:  
I wish you were not quite so swift--  
I'd like to try the feet!"

"It seems no shame," the Siren said,  
"To pluck them from their lives,  
After we've brought them down so far,  
And sharpened all our knives!"  
The Giant Squid said nothing but  
"This Ghost could use some chives!"

"I weep for you," the Siren said:  
"I deeply feel your pain."  
With sobs and tears she sorted out  
Bones from fat from brain,  
Waving strands of floating hair from  
Where the meal was lain.

"O Maiden," said the Giant Squid,  
"You've had a pleasant dip!  
Dear Phantom, shall we say good-bye?"  
But answer, there came zip--  
And this was scarcely odd, because  
They'd eaten every bit.


	3. You Are Ugly, Cruel Phantom

Well, as I was in the groove, I wanted to see what else I could do to poor Carroll, and "You Are Old, Father William" just seemed to stick! Here's Raoul and Erik in the communards' dungeon after Christine turns the scorpion. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

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**You are Ugly, Cruel Phantom**

"You are _ugly_, cruel Phantom," the young man cried,  
"And your temper is so frightening;  
And yet you intend to make Christine your bride—  
Do you think, with your tricks, she'll agree?"

"I do think," the strange, dark man replied to his foe,  
"Her fear just might soon cease to be;  
And now that I'm perfectly sure she won't go,  
Why, I'll keep her forever with me."

"You are cruel," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,  
And you still will most wickedly deceive;  
Yet you think she could ever love you and more—  
I find that quite hard to believe!"

"I tell you," said the ghost, as he shook his death's face,  
"This is the fight you won't win.  
In this dungeon you shall stay – It's a cheerful place—  
Allow me to lock you right in?"

"_You_ will lose," yelled Raoul, "when you see she is weak  
From the torture you still put her through;  
Yet you're blind to her pain at each word you speak—  
Pray, is there even worse you could do?"

"You don't know," said his rival, "How blissful she'll be,  
With me there to keep her amused;  
I tell you, I have more than one trick up my sleeve,  
She and I have nothing to lose."

"You're a fiend," sobbed the boy, "one would hardly suppose  
To make sense of your twisted, mad brain;  
Yet you will smell, if you can, though you have no nose,  
She too will rot in shackle and chain."

"I am tired of your shouting, and will hear no more,"  
Said the Phantom. "Each word risks your life!  
Do you think I will listen? There, I've closed the door.  
Goodbye, I go home to my wife."


End file.
